Amanda Darlin Baker

My darling wife. We never divorced until the end, I’m sorry I wasn’t there, I’m sorry for so much. There are memories of us that are sweet and the memories of addiction that are horrific. I failed you. I live in your name now. I live because you can’t. Though we were a part , you told me in 2020 ” I’ll always be your wife, you’re my best friend, but life has other plans for us.”
I wish I was the one that died so you could have a second chance. Years spent in prison, when I found out I nearly killed myself. However that wouldn’t be fair to you. I love you Amanda and I’m so sorry how things turned out. It means nothing now, all I can do is live and not waste a single day. My first tattoo is your name and yours is mine, now around it a grave stone and flowers to honor you. You were the most beautiful person and in the beginning, we were beautiful together. Addiction tore us apart. It doesn’t matter who gave who what first, what matters is I should of helped you in every way but how I thought I was helping you. I remember the days so clearly. I’m sorry Amanda, sweetie baby, that’s yours and I will never use it again.
Yes I have moved on and found someone, yes I have my second chance, third , fourth who’s counting?Many people here don’t know we were married but the end and saw each other up until the year you sure is when I was gone. I blame myself. When I told you I couldn’t do it anymore I saw the hurt. I had been given a death sentence by doctors prison saved me from. . They gave me 5 years and that’s the only reason I engaged with Megan. We were on again off again both of us knowing each other before the corruption took hold and seeing each other after.You used sympathy, telling others about things I never did, and I turned to lies and dealing the drugs that got me the sentence that saved me. I am 5 years sober and it’s like the man that married you woke up from a long nightmare but you’re not there anymore. There’s so many things these people don’t know. The money I gave often, the rooms I bought, but I was lost too. I couldn’t save you because I needed saving. AI never got goodbye with you. Our last memory was asking you for divorce and I was serious. I never knew what I meant to you, the importance of my regular contact with you to make sure you were safe, had some money, and the thing that led to what killed you. We climbed that ladder of addiction, we thought we were at the top, but there was another rung called fentanyl that I never touched. Now my drug is gone. Heroin is scarce and fentanyl is plenty, but my addiction is dead, I feel no pants of relapse, nothing. That picture is the picture you used on Craigslist 17 years ago. Where did the time go?
Amanda, Manda panda , sweetie baby, I was not enough. I failed you,but I will not fail myself. Because it would be a disrespect for your life.
We were still kids when we married. Born on the same day of the month exactly 6 months apart and I used to tease you about being older. When Jade was born, when Elizabeth was born , I still have the video of you alive. The horror of addiction is this. Yet you always found a way to be beautiful. As decay took us, we still saw each other as kids from long ago. You took my virginity. You made me feel love for the first time. If I had known all this was going to happen I would not have taken that first pill from you. Maybe if I had resisted just a little bit more then I did, but you said if you love me you’ll take just one because I was working 12 hours days at the post office, had my wisdom teeth pulled and our baby Elizabeth needed me so you could rest your c section. I didn’t know. I didn’t know what doctors gave could be addicting. I thought it was the best kept secret out there,I remember every moment when we climbed higher and higher on the ladder of addiction. I’m sorry Amanda. I’m sorry. I never got to say goodbye. I have more to say then anyone here because no one had any idea you were getting help from me while you got help from them saying it was because of me. The ruse, scam, they fell for it was all fair wasn’t it? Addiction played by no rules and picks no sides. When I went big time you were with me. When it crashed and burned you visited me.
I will always love you Amanda and like you told me, you will always love me.
I’m alive and you are not. This is a reminder not to waste my life. I needed it today. The guilt I feel will be forever. What if I hadn’t gotten arrested? What if I had been there when you first had trouble? You know if it was your life hanging in the balance I would have done the most outrageous things just to save you. Nobody knew what to do, it’s not their fault. This is my fault. Maybe I could have been there. Maybe someone could have told me you were dying and you know I would have raised the kind of hell nobody else could. Because you are the mother to my daughters, my first real love, my beginning adult years were all spent with you as I met you when I was 19. All the way back in 2007-2008.
We were both fools then. Ricky and Sheena always fighting as we stayed in the house on lake with the creepy basement.
When I sit here and think, I have so many memories of you , and now it’s as if you’ve done no wrong. The bad has melted away and all I can think of is the good and there was allot of it. We went through Heaven and Hell together. The one thing I am grateful for is that you saw a chaplain before you got in that flight, so now you’re in heaven again. There’s so much more I can write, but I will end with this. Amanda Darlin Baker, I will always love you. I will live my life in honor of you. I am so sorry for everything. This isn’t goodbye Though I have found someone new, no one could replace you and I will always love you because you are my best friend too, my first in everything. That can’t be replaced.
See you later, I love you.

Fetynal I’m so sorry she was sweetie

Amanda omg I can’t believe ur gone ma…… May yu rest in peace….. Fly with the ANGELZ an watch over us til we meet again……. Condolences to the family